BFP.......(big, fat, positive)

One year ago today, we found out that we we were going to have a baby! I was excited and scared....ok, mostly scared, but I knew instantly that I loved the Lil' Bean that was growing inside of me. I had a scary first trimester, I cramped a lot and thought I might loose him. At our twenty week ultrasound we found out he had a two (instead of three) vessel cord. He was born at thirty-six weeks gestation and after an emergency c-section we finally got to meet our perfectly healthy little baby boy! Praise God! Time flys and we fast-forward to the present and Mateo is a happy, teething, sweet almost five-month-old. I can't imagine my life without him....he completes out little family perfectly.

Happy Mother's Day

Finally....I get to celebrate Mother's Day. I have to admit that before I had Mateo I really didn't care for Mother's Day. Of course I would get my Mom something special and visit with her, but I always felt a bit sad, like I was missing out on something special. I would see my family members and friends all gush about the flowers, cards, and gifts they would receive and feel a twinge of jealousy. Not because they got actual physical gifts, but because they had the one ultimate gift....a child. Last Mother's Day I took my mom out to lunch and we chatted and gossiped like we always did and I remember feeling the sadness start to creep in. One week later as I was driving to work I got sick on the way to work and at work. I remember thinking to myself, "Hmm...that's strange, maybe I have a stomach bug that's been going around?" Nope, no stomach bug...  I came home and took a pregnancy, (my period was a week late) test and find out....I was having a BABY! We told my parents a week later and my Mom was so excited! Her response was, "FINALLY, I've been waiting a long time for you to have a baby!" She told us, "You're going to have a boy." Her face lit up like a child on Christmas morning. My mom didn't take long to start buying our baby things, she bought a stroller the following week and baby blankets soon after. We found out we were indeed going to have a boy and she said, "See, I was right, you're momma is always right."

Then, the unthinkable happened....my mom died.My first thought after she passed was, "How am I going to be a Mother without her? Mother's Day has been on my mind for several months now. Half the time I've been dreading it and the other half I am excited about it. I finally get to celebrate being a Mommy, but without my Mommy. I'm slowly learning how to go on with my life without her, it's hard and I have my days. I'll never forget her and I'll never forget all that she taught me. I know she is proud of the Mom I have become and I know she is looking down from Heaven, not missing a moment that Mateo and I share.

Happy Mother's Day Mom! I love and miss you. I wish we could have celebrated this treasured day together....eating and gossiping like we always did.

Back to reality...

Just completed my second week back to work and I have to say.....it is still hard to leave Mateo. I cried on my way to work the first day back to work after maternity leave and still am finding it somewhat hard adjusting to being a working momma. Do I dare say it......I wish I could be a stay-at-home Mom....Gasp! I know....who would of thought, me at stay-at-home Mommy. If any of my friends can remember pre-baby when I stated, "I could never be a stay-at-home Mom!" I now have to say, I may have jumped the gun on that one. I now long to stay at home with my little buddy. I feel like I am missing out on one of the best times of his and my life.

Does Mateo miss me or better yet, does he even realize that I am gone? Not sure......I do know that I feel a huge void and am finding it hard to enjoy my job that I loved so much. Summer is just around the corner and Jacob and I have some numbers to crunch to even see if it is possible for me to stay home. All I know for sure right now is this, I will never get this time again with Mateo and I want to stay home with him........badly! To be continued......

Working Mom....

Mateo and I enjoying a weekday lunch with a friend of mine.

Where did the time go??? Can someone please tell me how fourteen weeks of blissful motherhood, (ok...it wasn't all blissful ...but I truly enjoyed every single moment with Mateo on my maternity leave) went by so fast?  Tomorrow I will be joining the ranks of my fellow working mamas out there. I really am looking forward to seeing my kiddos in the  classroom and  having adult conversations with my co-workers, but I have to be honest......I am devastated. I know that summer break is a mere two months away and I am lucky that I have the kind of schedule that I have, but still....I can't help feel a little sad and envious of stay-at-home mom's. Being a first time mom, I have questions like, "will Mateo miss me?", "will he think I've abandoned him?" I realize I am being a bit dramatic, but I can't help it. Being home three and a half months with this little guy I got to see many milestones that he hit. I now will miss some new milestones that he will make, but am thankful God choose me to be his Mommy. Lots of Prayer, support from Jacob and  another Mommy, who is also returning to work like me will get me through. I know I will be fine.......it will just take some time to adjust to. The say being a stay-at-home mom is tough and I agree completely,  but working moms have the hardest job...we have to leave our babies in the care of someone else, and to that..... my hat goes off to all of you. 

Look at Mateo grow!

 Mateo is growing way too fast! Here is our monthly growth pictures that Jacob puts together.

Hospital stay, c-sections, Mateo and the "aftermath"

I had to have an emergency c-section with Mateo, which surprisingly I was okay with. Of course I wanted to have Mateo the good ol' fashion way, but it just was not in the cards for me. It was such a whirlwind and Mateo needed to come out, so I didn't have much time to think about it. For some reason throughout the pregnancy  I had feeling that I was going to need a c-section. Mother's intuition? We stayed at the hospital for three days, not because Mateo needed to stay, (he was perfectly healthy and didn't need any interventions) but because I was scared to come home! I had it made at the hospital!  The nurses helped me with the baby, food was made and delivered to me, and I didn't have to clean up after anyone!  I am a weirdo and like hospitals. I know it steams back to my childhood and spending a lot of time in hospitals. I always felt important and the Doctors and Nurses were so caring and I always felt safe. I would cry when I had to come home after surgeries.....that's how content I am in hospitals! Yes, I have had to spend time in hospitals for sad situations, but to me....the good memories always out-way the bad.

Hospital and c-section experience was great for me, I healed very quickly....now the aftermath of the c-section....not so good. Warning.....TMI....I ended up back at another hospital, (ER) six days later because I could not go.......... how should I put it?...... Numero dos. Wow! Talk about excruciating pain! Let's just leave this topic at that....

Okay, so Mateo truly been such a blessing and now I can't imagine our lives without him. I know for me he completes my life and it's been so exciting to see all the milestones he has made already. He smiles, coos, laughs, is starting to get vocal. He loves to eat, is happy,  (colicky at night, will discuss in another post) and he loves for me to sing to him...his favorite song is the Itsy Bitsy Spider. So far this experience has been amazing....tiring, but so worth it.

Some upcoming topics I will write about are breastfeeding, colic, maternity leave, back to work, and of course Mateo. I will try not to go months before writing another blog post..... :)

He's here....been here for awhile....

Ok, so Mateo Rodman Campbell V.S.P. was born on December 27, 2012, four weeks early. I'm a bit behind....Mateo turns three months on the 27th of this month. Motherhood has been a fun, crazy, sleepless ride. Read about Mateo's birth on Jacob's blog: http://jacobrcampbell.com/blog/2012/12/are-you-ready-or-not-proud-father